a recap

hard to believe it’s 2012. i wrote the date for the first time this year and i really had to think about it.

so, recap of 2011!

i was unemployed, i went to the bars a lot. oh! i did get a job (where i still work) and ended up with a boyfriend.

first valentine’s day when i wasn’t single, it was slightly awkward. i don’t like gift giving until i’ve known someone for awhile. saw casablanca for the first time. got used to working again, joined a gym!! and bought my macbook pro.

realized the guy i was seeing was getting on my nerves. called me “hun”, never remembered my work schedule (which never changed), the sex was good. start a tumblr account, break up with him at the end of the month.

get my dandelion fluffy tattoo (this will get it’s own post as i’ve since added on to it). gym 3 days a week

uh…i don’t think anything of import happened in may…maybe i started running?, going to gym 3 days a week

 definitely started running again, lost 10 lbs, going to gym 3 days a week. running 3 days a week

got another job, started going to the gym only 2 days a week, running 3 days a week, turned 26

ran my first 5k, ran 5k every run thereafter, working 6 days a week over 40 hours.

again….nothing really all that important. running my 5k’s every run

stopped running, screwed up my sleep schedule royally, went to zombie prom

nothing really, still working a lot, went to denver to see some friends. good times were had

had a lot of migraines, christmas, got my latest tattoo,lost weight over the holidays


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i resolve

i started a tumblog last year in march and it took over my blogging life. i shall work to do better and keep this blog and the tumblr updated on a semi-regular basis.

it’s amazing how many different social media platforms there are. i’ve had a twitter for years, not like too many real people follow me on there, but i’ve had it and kept it up to date.

i’ve created several blogs, none of which i have done a very good job of updating. if i have a new year’s resolution, that will be it. to actually have a written word blog, which i will link to my tumblr.

this will work, i think. i’ll do a post updating from last year. truth be told, it’s not like i even have a real following so its more of a recap of the year for myself.

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musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.

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what do you do?

What do you do when you have no plans for the future?
When there is nothing you want in life.
There is no where you really want to go.
No city that you want to live in.
No job you are dying to have.

What do you do when you feel ill prepared for the world?
Not that you can’t take care of yourself, or pay your bills
but you don’t feel like you fit in with your coworkers.
You don’t really like the bar scene
you’re finding it harder to meet new people.
And therefore make new friends.

What do you do when there is nothing you want?
other than material things
and you don’t really want them
because you forget about them in a week.

What do you do when you feel smothered, stifled, lacking a proper outlet for your feelings?
Not wanting to be a bother to your friends
Or a burden. Or to impose.

You stagnate. You become apathetic. You feel trapped.
Every little thing feels like a bomb dropping.
You are looking for an excuse, any reason, to just pick up and run.

And yet you don’t want to.
Is it fear?
Of the unknown? Of success? Of life?
Of leaving your family?
Being forgotten?

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i have often been in discussions about loyalty. what is loyalty, really?

as defined by dictionary.com

loyalty –noun, plural -ties.

1. the state or quality of being loyal;  faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader,cause, etc.
3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

way to go dictionary.com, defining the term while using the root word. *slow clap*

so, let’s define loyal then:
loyal – adjective

1. faithful to one’s sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.
2. faithful to one’s oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.
3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person  or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

k, then. that helps a helluva lot more. my main topic of discussion is definition number 3’s example: loyalty to one’s friends.

see, where my big issue on loyalty is: (please feel free to imagine me being melodramaticly loud here)
why the hell are you being a loyal friend to someone who is a terrible human being?!

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i’ve had a lot of time to sit and think lately. i’ve been working to figure out what it is i want to actually do with my life. this holding pattern i’m in right now, with my unemployment and tiny lil part time job, is not doing anything to make me feel like a success at life.

one of the reasons i may not be moving forward in my life is that i am afraid to succeed.

or maybe i’m afraid to fail.

i’m beginning to believe it’s one or both. i feel like i’ve been waiting for something, to blatantly show me, “hey, this is what you’re supposed to be doing.” i don’t think that’s what normally happens though.

I’m not feeling adult anymore. sure, i pay for everything myself, other then rent, i can’t afford that at this point. *sigh* i’m living at home.

yeah, that makes me feel just a bit like a failure.

i’ve had several interviews and each one they went with someone else. my guess is they have “more experience” in the fields. of course they have! i’ve only been graduated for 3 years now and over 2 of those years i was in a different field then i majored in.

the entire feeling like a failure thing….it makes me want to make some very bad decisions. luckily for me i don’t follow through with those thoughts. but sometimes. i really, really want to.

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the gym

as i’ve said before i’m going to the gym, oh, three times a week or more. i’ve really been enjoying it!

it’s great to see that i’m starting to lose some of my squish, in a healthy way of course! isn’t it said that the first place you notice weight loss or gain is in your face? well, it’s getting a lil slimmer, which is fabulous! starting to have more definition in my cheekbones!

the one thing that is bugging me, is i have a friend who goes to the same gym and she’s making it competitive. with lil dig’s at the weights i use or the level my machine’s are on. she’s been going for about 6 months or so and sees a personal trainer twice a week (the only times she goes to the gym) and she’s keeps comparing herself to me.

i get that she’s really excited to go and about the inches she’s losing and i’m happy for her. but jesus. i’ve been going for one month now, by myself, and i’ve never gone to the gym before. good for you that you do your cardio at 6, two levels above mine… you’ve been going for 6 months! i just started and i’m happy that i’ve already upped it one level in a month. i plan on raising it as often as is comfortable but as it’s me, no trainer, i’m erring on the side of caution.

it’s not the only place she’s starting to make these digs. it’s just the thing it’s most often. it’s the one thing i don’t deal with well, it’s people being catty. i know i do it, but i do my best to keep it to a minimum. i also don’t do it to their face.

ah, well. only one thing you can do about that.

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and the words immediately in my head are: rockabye.

that song from the 90’s. it just gives me an all around chill feeling when i think about it. the nostalgia that kicks in when i hear it. it was one of the longest songs ever at around 6 minutes. (i know there are longer, but when most songs are the radio clock in around 3:30, it’s a huge difference)

things have changed in the last week.
1. i’m single again
2. new glasses
3. worked my first double at the restaurant
4. had another interview

i’ll just have to see how things turn out. i really hope that i get a job soon, my unemployment is going to run out soon. i wonder if i’ll be able to extend it or not…

just sit back and remember the words above: everything we’ll be all right.

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the denver trip was fabulous, in so many ways. a good friend and i got up early (for us) and drove over to denver, it’s about a 3-4 hour trip through over the rocky mountains. the trip over was uneventful, smooth driving. though i do always speed, i seem to have this inability to drive slowly. i really gotta work on that as it’s gained me several speeding tickets in the last year…

back to the trip. we picked our other friend at her apartment in denver and we headed out to lunch at the cherry creek mall. noodles and co. is a really great restaurant. i wasn’t adventurous sadly, so i didn’t go for the things i thought i might like and i went for the tried and true, i knew they couldn’t eff it up macaroni and cheese. i really am a kid at heart.

it was basically a shopping day for us, i dragged my friends to lucy, this great sports apparel company that i discovered in seattle last january. i love them. their clothes are comfortable, they do what they say they will and you look fabulous while at the gym working out. i bought them when i was running and they are great for yoga as well. i prefer the crops cause i get hot when i’m working out. though their pants would be great if you’re an outdoor runner in a cooler clime.

hit up the actual mall down the street. drooled  over the prada, jimmy choos and other shoes. i really am a shoe whore who’s reformed. mainly i don’t have the money for the shoes i want…. same thing though right?

we hit up diesel, got me a fab pair of jeans. dark wash, exactly what i was looking for. if more then i planned to spend on a single pair. the vans store, cause i wanted a fun pair of vans for work, they’re a uniform requirement. we basically just wandered around the mall.

it bugs me a lil bit that my body type is not easy to dress. i mean, i’m not a big person at all, i’m quite small in fact. only under 5’4″ and 130. but damn. i am a curvy thing, i have hips and i have a bust. definitely not gonna fit into most dresses in on area or another. i don’t like to have to tailor EVERYTHING so it fits. *sigh*

sorry. i’ll stop complaining. but it really is annoying.

the entire purpose of this post was to talk about our 3+ hour detour on the way home. there was a truck that had rolled carrying hazardous materials closing the interstate we were taking home. we ended up having to take the old road over the mountains. in order to get to that exit we sat for 90 minutes and only went a ONE mile.one mile….i am not used to that kind of traffic at all. then when we finally got to the exit it took us another 90 minutes to go over loveland pass, our average speed was 15mph. yeah, epic right?

the saving grace was “wizard people, dear reader” by brad neely. it’s an unauthorized retelling of harry potter and the sorcerers stone (the movie). it had us laughing all the way down loveland pass. i highly suggest checking it out. i really need to listen to it while i watch the movie (which is how you’re sposed to do it).

basically we had left denver at 6:00 and we got back into town at 12:30. it was crazy. a trip that should have taken us 3.5 hours that took much, much longer. all around, it was worth it though. yes, yes it was.

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a good question to ask yourself is: are you happy?

it’s a question we all have asked ourselves at one point in our lives. i know what whenever anyone asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, after i stopped saying a singer or an actress, i’d just simply say: happy. i want to do whatever it is that will make me happy.

i like to think that i am, sometimes i’m not sure though.

am i content with how my life is right now? no.

are there things i would like to change? yes

so i would guess that means i am not happy in general.

do i have periods of time where i am happy? oh,hells yeah!

i’m okay with my life when i don’t really think about it. it’s just when i start wondering what it is i would like to do to earn money that i get a lil antsy. or when i’m trying to decide if i want to stay here in my town. i get anxious, i get….itch. i get the need to go to new places, see new sights, experience new things. then i realize, i don’t have the income for that. at least, not yet anyway.

then i think about things that do make me happy.

reading a great book, watching a movie that touches me in some way, listening to music that puts me in a great mood.  spending time with my friends or my boyfriend. completing a project i’ve worked on. so many little things.

i always thought it was the little things that make you happy. if you can find joy in finding raspberries on sale or a compliment from a stranger your life is going just fine.

i think that instead of happy, i want contentment  with moments or joy and exhilaration. it has seemed to me that it is not possible to be happy all the time. there will be times that you are sad or upset or life is just not going your way. if you can be content with how your life is playing out, with its ups and it’s downs, then you are ahead of the game.

as always, it seems that it is time to make some changes.

here is a handy dandy lil flow chart just in case you are asking yourself that question right now.

well, are you? brought to you by my stumble.

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