Tag Archives: musings

what do you do?

What do you do when you have no plans for the future?
When there is nothing you want in life.
There is no where you really want to go.
No city that you want to live in.
No job you are dying to have.

What do you do when you feel ill prepared for the world?
Not that you can’t take care of yourself, or pay your bills
but you don’t feel like you fit in with your coworkers.
You don’t really like the bar scene
you’re finding it harder to meet new people.
And therefore make new friends.

What do you do when there is nothing you want?
other than material things
and you don’t really want them
because you forget about them in a week.

What do you do when you feel smothered, stifled, lacking a proper outlet for your feelings?
Not wanting to be a bother to your friends
Or a burden. Or to impose.

You stagnate. You become apathetic. You feel trapped.
Every little thing feels like a bomb dropping.
You are looking for an excuse, any reason, to just pick up and run.

And yet you don’t want to.
Is it fear?
Of the unknown? Of success? Of life?
Of leaving your family?
Being forgotten?


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i have often been in discussions about loyalty. what is loyalty, really?

as defined by dictionary.com

loyalty –noun, plural -ties.

1. the state or quality of being loyal;  faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader,cause, etc.
3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

way to go dictionary.com, defining the term while using the root word. *slow clap*

so, let’s define loyal then:
loyal – adjective

1. faithful to one’s sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.
2. faithful to one’s oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.
3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person  or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

k, then. that helps a helluva lot more. my main topic of discussion is definition number 3’s example: loyalty to one’s friends.

see, where my big issue on loyalty is: (please feel free to imagine me being melodramaticly loud here)
why the hell are you being a loyal friend to someone who is a terrible human being?!

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i’ve spent a lot of tonight reading a site called “makes me think.”

it has, it really has.

so far tonight i’ve thought of a day in college when my friend called me (in the middle of class) and i answered because we were working on our own. i’m so glad i did, because she was she cutting and talking about slitting her wrists. i was the person she called when she was feeling at her lowest. the call cut out after a few minutes and i freaked out. the only thing i could think to do was call the cops, i didn’t know her dorm building or number and she was at a school so far away.

i’m so happy that today she isn’t upset with me for calling the cops and that she’s there to talk and hang out with.

it’s made me remember the couple who stopped for a girl standing on the side of the road with her car upside down on an incline, who sat and waited with me until the ambulance arrived because i was by myself.

it’s reminded me of my friend jessie who died 12 years ago, even though she’s been on my mind for weeks. i even saw her little brother a few weeks ago. he had no idea who i was! but i still said hello.

it’s reminded me how lucky i really am, i may be unemployed and have no idea what i want to do with my life but i know that my options are limitless.

all i need is to decide what i want to do!

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a love

some of my favorite wordsthere was a girl who loved fairy tales. the ones that most people don’t know and the versions of the famous ones not often shared with children. the ones with dark endings, snow white. the one’s that involve long journey’s with nameless destinations: east of the sun, west of the moon. the one’s with talking animals: prince ivan and the firebird and creatures like baba yaga (who’s as like to kill you as  help you). and they all contain an element of mystique and magic.

the princesses are always beautiful, but not not always good. though they are always redeemed by a deserving man (often the youngest son or a someone who is poor). the deserving are always attractive in these stories, though they may be clothed unattractively (in actual garments/magic or other reasons)

after all there is a tradition to be upheld with fairy tales. the youngest daughter is always the most beautiful, modest and retiring. the youngest son is believed to be a fool though he is usually quite clever.he is most deserving often times and receives the most help

one of my favorites is the goose girl from the brothers grimm. it has so many of the fairy tale tropes like repetition of rhyming phrases, the number 3,  talking animanls, just punishments (a rather violent end to the handmaiden who usurps her place), and a bit of magic.

there is nothing i want more right now then the entire collection of andrew lang’s fairy books. there are 13 of them and they are all named after colors. they have fairy tales from around the world! what i wouldn’t give to have the entire collection in a matched set.

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the green fairymakes me and my friends giggle…a lot. for a licorice/anise flavored spirit (i learned the difference between spirits and liqueur today) i really didn’t mind it too much.

absinthe itself smells pretty good in the bottle, very much like licorice. i was reminded of good’n plenties. after we poured it into the glass it smelled really herby and not as appetizing. we did the la louche ritual it smelled amazing.

the la louche ritual with the slotted spoon, sugar cube and pouring the cold water through the sugar til dissolved leaves you with a light green cloudy beverage with an herby licorice smell. the entire idea of louche (this article is a bit technical), which is where the essential oils that are alcohol soluble are not when you add water. it really what makes the absinthe experience considering this is how they had been drinking it for over a century.

it did have a nice end flavor of good’n plenties, but the first taste is a bit astringent or sour or maybe it’s just the 60% alcohol by volume. i’m not too sure. no one else was tasting what i thought i was, but they were making funny faces like i was. haha.

absinthe was banned from 1915 – 2007 in the US, due to shoddy “experiments” by several gentlemen and quite possibly due to some cheap additives that affected color but were bad for your health.

the bottle my friend purchased was $70.00, a bit on the expensive side for us unemployed people, and was the brand Lucid. which is apparently the first brand allowed to be imported to the US after the ban was lifted. i really got a kick out of how the “louche” style of drinking absinthe was written out on the bottle.

definitely not something i need to drink quickly. which i did anyways, cause i am a slow drinker and we needed to leave to meet up with some folks, so quickly downed it was.  the rest of the night was fun, we just had a few drinks out and about.

i did enjoy the absinthe experience, one of the few licorice drinks i will have again. however rare that will be.

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Dictionary.com defines the word impose as:
im⋅pose [im-pohz] verb, -posed, -pos⋅ing.–verb (used with object)oh the impasse

1. to lay on or set as something to be borne, endured, obeyed, fulfilled, paid, etc.: to impose taxes.
2. to put or set by or as if by authority: to impose one’s personal preference on others.
3. to obtrude or thrust (oneself, one’s company, etc.) upon others.

well, there are 5 other definitions beyond that, but with number 3 we have a winner

i always feel that i am imposing on people. i don’t have the slightest idea where i got this from but it’s a bugger to get rid of. i am so unbelievably shy when with a group of people i don’t know or even just one person. in group situations i cling to the one person i know as if they’ll save me from drowning or making a fool of myself.

talk about imposing?!

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oh, tattoos. they’re often so personal, beautiful, colorful, interesting, and permanent. i haven’t always thought tattoos were amazing. my introduction to tattoos were my grandfather’s which have faded to that odd green color and are extremely blurry. i think it’s an eagle on a shield, he got it while in the service if i remember correctly. no one else in my immediate family has one… i hate to say it, but i only just realized this.

it took watching ami and his fellows on miami ink for me to see some excellently rendered tattoos. some of his pieces are simply stunning! two  of my favorites were the 1000 petal lotus and some free hand koi that was done as a cover up. i really wish i could afford to head down to florida and get a piece by him.

as it is, i have one tattoo. a bit of text on my foot, which i was told is one of the most painful places to get tattooed. it’s really not too bad. it feels like a bee sting or a burn (i get burns a lot when i cook, so i know what i’m talking about here). Continue reading

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