musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.

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