sometimes

i’ve had a lot of time to sit and think lately. i’ve been working to figure out what it is i want to actually do with my life. this holding pattern i’m in right now, with my unemployment and tiny lil part time job, is not doing anything to make me feel like a success at life.

one of the reasons i may not be moving forward in my life is that i am afraid to succeed.

or maybe i’m afraid to fail.

i’m beginning to believe it’s one or both. i feel like i’ve been waiting for something, to blatantly show me, “hey, this is what you’re supposed to be doing.” i don’t think that’s what normally happens though.

I’m not feeling adult anymore. sure, i pay for everything myself, other then rent, i can’t afford that at this point. *sigh* i’m living at home.

yeah, that makes me feel just a bit like a failure.

i’ve had several interviews and each one they went with someone else. my guess is they have “more experience” in the fields. of course they have! i’ve only been graduated for 3 years now and over 2 of those years i was in a different field then i majored in.

the entire feeling like a failure thing….it makes me want to make some very bad decisions. luckily for me i don’t follow through with those thoughts. but sometimes. i really, really want to.

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