What do you do when you have no plans for the future?
When there is nothing you want in life.
There is no where you really want to go.
No city that you want to live in.
No job you are dying to have.
What do you do when you feel ill prepared for the world?
Not that you can’t take care of yourself, or pay your bills
but you don’t feel like you fit in with your coworkers.
You don’t really like the bar scene
you’re finding it harder to meet new people.
And therefore make new friends.
What do you do when there is nothing you want?
other than material things
and you don’t really want them
because you forget about them in a week.
What do you do when you feel smothered, stifled, lacking a proper outlet for your feelings?
Not wanting to be a bother to your friends
Or a burden. Or to impose.
You stagnate. You become apathetic. You feel trapped.
Every little thing feels like a bomb dropping.
You are looking for an excuse, any reason, to just pick up and run.
And yet you don’t want to.
Is it fear?
Of the unknown? Of success? Of life?
Of leaving your family?
i’ve had a lot of time to sit and think lately. i’ve been working to figure out what it is i want to actually do with my life. this holding pattern i’m in right now, with my unemployment and tiny lil part time job, is not doing anything to make me feel like a success at life.
one of the reasons i may not be moving forward in my life is that i am afraid to succeed.
or maybe i’m afraid to fail.
i’m beginning to believe it’s one or both. i feel like i’ve been waiting for something, to blatantly show me, “hey, this is what you’re supposed to be doing.” i don’t think that’s what normally happens though.
I’m not feeling adult anymore. sure, i pay for everything myself, other then rent, i can’t afford that at this point. *sigh* i’m living at home.
yeah, that makes me feel just a bit like a failure.
i’ve had several interviews and each one they went with someone else. my guess is they have “more experience” in the fields. of course they have! i’ve only been graduated for 3 years now and over 2 of those years i was in a different field then i majored in.
the entire feeling like a failure thing….it makes me want to make some very bad decisions. luckily for me i don’t follow through with those thoughts. but sometimes. i really, really want to.
jobless for 9 weeks now and bored for 7 of them. what has the 7 weeks of boredom wrought?
around the middle especially. this is bothering me more than i can even put into words. other than:
i feel fat.
(i know i’m not fat, i just don’t like this squishiness i’ve accumulated)
see, i’ve never worked out or gone to the gym or really done anything that would help tone me. i apparently have sensible eating habits and a good metabolism, thus far anyways…
since i have been out of work i have spent entirely too much time just sitting. at least at work i was sitting but i did not have access to foods other than what i brought with me. so my weight stayed around the 125 mark. now, i’m up at 132, which is what i weighed in high school, but i think some of it has changed to squish vs the muscle i had (no clue where it came from).
i need to fix this. i do not like feeling fat and at this point all my friends have access to a gym and are working out.
and me? i don’t.
i should get back into running again, that is something i could do. ‘cept i accidentally washed the iPod i used for running, an iPod mini.
yeah, talented right?
ok, ok, the main issue is i got bit by a dog the last time i went running in my neighborhood, which makes me dread running around town for the small likelihood that it would happen again.
i should just get over that. easier said then done though.
ugh. i have got to get out of this rut!
i want to look young and be hot forever. the squish is the opposite of that. *sigh*
well,apparently i am a time traveler because i lost a day. saturday to be exact. i hate that. the cause of this fast forward to sunday? drinking, namely me drinking too much. yeah. i have really got to stop this. the day after is too much for me. i have got to stop accepting drinks from people, that is the cause. my inability to say no and the fact that i’m a small person with a low tolerance (compared to my friends anyways).
i was in bed for hours today, at least 8 or 9. i still feel shittier then all get out. i suppose it is time for a ton of advil and some water. hopefully i wake up tomorrow without this headache. (it’s going on day 3, it’s not from the hangover i had the headache before i even started drinking. another reason i shouldn’t have gone.)
this is the queen of the idiots, i’m out.
going through my things today i stumbled across all the stencils i have made for t- shirts and i had a quote on a piece of paper.
“broken things can be beautiful”
just reading those words, i teared up. it’s difficult to say why. i think it has to do with how i’ve been feeling like a failure. as if i was useless, like a broken thing.
it made me realize that if broken things can be beautiful, then i can be as well. and there was nothing i needed to hear more then it’s okay to be broken.
i know at some point i will fix myself, there will always be cracks and i may have lost a few pieces and some substitutions may need to be made. but i will be put back together. to quote a favorite book, “there may be a few wodgy bits” but i will be back to myself, hopefully with lessons learned.