Tag Archives: musing

musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.

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happy?

a good question to ask yourself is: are you happy?

it’s a question we all have asked ourselves at one point in our lives. i know what whenever anyone asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, after i stopped saying a singer or an actress, i’d just simply say: happy. i want to do whatever it is that will make me happy.

i like to think that i am, sometimes i’m not sure though.

am i content with how my life is right now? no.

are there things i would like to change? yes

so i would guess that means i am not happy in general.

do i have periods of time where i am happy? oh,hells yeah!

i’m okay with my life when i don’t really think about it. it’s just when i start wondering what it is i would like to do to earn money that i get a lil antsy. or when i’m trying to decide if i want to stay here in my town. i get anxious, i get….itch. i get the need to go to new places, see new sights, experience new things. then i realize, i don’t have the income for that. at least, not yet anyway.

then i think about things that do make me happy.

reading a great book, watching a movie that touches me in some way, listening to music that puts me in a great mood.  spending time with my friends or my boyfriend. completing a project i’ve worked on. so many little things.

i always thought it was the little things that make you happy. if you can find joy in finding raspberries on sale or a compliment from a stranger your life is going just fine.

i think that instead of happy, i want contentment  with moments or joy and exhilaration. it has seemed to me that it is not possible to be happy all the time. there will be times that you are sad or upset or life is just not going your way. if you can be content with how your life is playing out, with its ups and it’s downs, then you are ahead of the game.

as always, it seems that it is time to make some changes.

here is a handy dandy lil flow chart just in case you are asking yourself that question right now.

well, are you? brought to you by my stumble.

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gym

so i mentioned in my last post that i joined a gym, it’s a local one not a chain.  it’s only 3 blocks away, so i have no excuse not to go. it’s a full service gym, they have everything you need from shampoo and towels to deodorant and hairspray. hell, i could go before i went to work and i would only need my work clothes, it would just be the getting up earlier that would be hard. i’m not an early bird, that’s for sure.

you may be wondering how i, an unemployed person, can afford a gym membership. well, i got my tax return and it was a pretty nice chunk of change! enough to pay for a year’s membership and to buy me a MacBook Pro (only a 13″, but i love it) that i’m writing this on right now.

in squish i discussed how i’m not feeling so svelte at the moment, which really bothers me. the gym is gonna get me back to where i’d like to be, several inches smaller! i’ve been going at least 3 times a week. i don’t have a set workout schedule or even a routine quite yet. i’m meeting with a personal trainer next week to set up a workout routine and see what my goals are going to be. i’m really excited!

no doubt i’ll be posting more about that later. *grins*

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image

what were you thinking?this image sums up life in general.

it is what it is.

what is your life to you?

to me, it’s a series of experiences that have, thus far, been  good. shure, i’ve had the bad things: friends dying, car accidents, break ups. have i let them keep me down? not really. it helps me keep perspective. how can you really know when something is good, if you’ve never experienced the low? for true joy you have to experience heartache and pain.

to be fair, some highs: my nephew, traveling, applause, etc.

life is a high just as much as it’s a low.

make a choice.

it is what it is. *shrugs*

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lost

again, my stumble threw this image at me and it really resonated. so, again. i’m sharing it with you.

 

i may at a later time decide to say more, but i’m tired and my bed is calling to me. guten nacht.

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ghosts

yesterday i woke up with one thought in my head, a memory of a friend. she told me once:

the images you see on the back if your eyelids will show you how you will die.

yeah, lovely thought to wake up to, right? except it didn’t bother me at all. i haven’t really thought about her too much lately. and never about this, at least not since January of 2000.

the really weird thing? she died a few weeks after she told me this. she also never told me what it was she saw. i still wonder if it was the car that hit her.

we were 14, it’s hard to lose a friend when you’re that young.

to be honest i don’t know why i thought of that yesterday. but immediately after i did, i closed my eyes and saw

stars.

just lil twinkly lights everywhere. a lil bit anticlimactic, don’tcha think?

 

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pick two

well, i stumbled upon this image the other day and felt like sharing.

sadly, it's true.

it seems to be true in most cases. then again*shrugs* i’d like to think i embody all three, but if it is you can only be two, i wonder which two i am?

my good friend and i have actually had a conversation similar to this. if you had to choose which two you would like to have in a significant other, which two would it be?

tough choice, no?

do you admit to being shallow and say good looks have to be one? or is emotional stability most important? or intelligence? *shakes head* wouldn’t the ideal person have all three?

for me, any guy i’m interested in has to be attractive (to me), intelligent and be confident in who he is and where he stands with me (is this emotionally stable?). i have quite a few guy friends and the thing is… i happen to flirt with everyone.

my thought on this is that all human interaction, when you get right down to it, is flirting. it’s just what we do. everyone loves a social butterfly, the person who is congenial, smiley, and seems genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say. isn’t this essentially an indiscriminate flirt?

you could argue this point, then again no one is really reading this so no one will. i’ll have to bring it up again with my friend and see if her choices have changed or not.

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guys and cleaning

what is with guys telling girls that they cleaned recently? i only wonder because i’ve realized i’ve had several guys tell me about when they last cleaned, always within the day or two when they tell me.

does this having something to do with the hope that the person they are telling will  be comfortable enough to come over knowing that their place will not be a typical “gross guys place”. and in the guys eyes, possibly being a hook up as well?

i guess i’m a bit jaded, though i have a feeling i’m right. why else would you tell someone you were cleaning?

then again.

is it that so many people i know have such boring lives that that’s all we have to tell each other? hmm, my female friends don’t usually tell me they cleaned, if anything it’s that they tried something new cooking wise or they went shopping.

so, i do think it has all to do with a girl being comfortable coming over to their clean house. i’ll have to pay attention and see what keeps being said.

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wandering

there’s a saying that “not all who wander are lost.” apparently it’s a quote from tolkien’s lord of the rings. i’ve always loved it because i personally love to wander in nature, around the internet, and  new places. if i was able to go all over the world i would.

then again. there are times, more then i can count, where i feel that i am  the opposite. as i have been in one place by far too long. i feel there should be an opposite of this.

“not all who are lost, wander”

it’s true, how many people have lived in one place or stayed at the same job and all the while disliking it? having no idea who or what they would really like to do/be? we are lost inside ourselves desperately seeking who we are. going round and round with the same thoughts, never really getting anywhere but farther and farther down the rabbit hole because of the “what if’?s”.

courtesy of my stumbleupon

the “what if”s” come out to play at night

when you can’t sleep
nothing seems quite right.

your brain likes to play tricks on you
it knows just what
and when or who.

the road not traveled
the experience lost
the book not written or read.

kick any regrets to the curb, i say
for what is past is past.
the future is in play.

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go left

if only it were that easy!pretty sure everyone has days where this applies. cause

momma said there’ll be days like this, there’ll be days like this my momma said.”

that’s a link for those of you who may not recognize what song i mean.

also reminds me of that lovely song from ‘gentlemen prefer blondes’ with marilyn monroe and jane russell.

when love goes wrong, nothing goes right. this one thing i know.

when love goes wrong a man takes flight, and women get uppity-oh

i’ve always been into musicals.

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