Tag Archives: melancholy

musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.

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what do you do?

What do you do when you have no plans for the future?
When there is nothing you want in life.
There is no where you really want to go.
No city that you want to live in.
No job you are dying to have.

What do you do when you feel ill prepared for the world?
Not that you can’t take care of yourself, or pay your bills
but you don’t feel like you fit in with your coworkers.
You don’t really like the bar scene
you’re finding it harder to meet new people.
And therefore make new friends.

What do you do when there is nothing you want?
other than material things
and you don’t really want them
because you forget about them in a week.

What do you do when you feel smothered, stifled, lacking a proper outlet for your feelings?
Not wanting to be a bother to your friends
Or a burden. Or to impose.

You stagnate. You become apathetic. You feel trapped.
Every little thing feels like a bomb dropping.
You are looking for an excuse, any reason, to just pick up and run.

And yet you don’t want to.
Is it fear?
Of the unknown? Of success? Of life?
Of leaving your family?
Being forgotten?

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sometimes

i’ve had a lot of time to sit and think lately. i’ve been working to figure out what it is i want to actually do with my life. this holding pattern i’m in right now, with my unemployment and tiny lil part time job, is not doing anything to make me feel like a success at life.

one of the reasons i may not be moving forward in my life is that i am afraid to succeed.

or maybe i’m afraid to fail.

i’m beginning to believe it’s one or both. i feel like i’ve been waiting for something, to blatantly show me, “hey, this is what you’re supposed to be doing.” i don’t think that’s what normally happens though.

I’m not feeling adult anymore. sure, i pay for everything myself, other then rent, i can’t afford that at this point. *sigh* i’m living at home.

yeah, that makes me feel just a bit like a failure.

i’ve had several interviews and each one they went with someone else. my guess is they have “more experience” in the fields. of course they have! i’ve only been graduated for 3 years now and over 2 of those years i was in a different field then i majored in.

the entire feeling like a failure thing….it makes me want to make some very bad decisions. luckily for me i don’t follow through with those thoughts. but sometimes. i really, really want to.

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ghosts

yesterday i woke up with one thought in my head, a memory of a friend. she told me once:

the images you see on the back if your eyelids will show you how you will die.

yeah, lovely thought to wake up to, right? except it didn’t bother me at all. i haven’t really thought about her too much lately. and never about this, at least not since January of 2000.

the really weird thing? she died a few weeks after she told me this. she also never told me what it was she saw. i still wonder if it was the car that hit her.

we were 14, it’s hard to lose a friend when you’re that young.

to be honest i don’t know why i thought of that yesterday. but immediately after i did, i closed my eyes and saw

stars.

just lil twinkly lights everywhere. a lil bit anticlimactic, don’tcha think?

 

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dislike (ala facebook, or how it should be)

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