Tag Archives: life lessons

musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.

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what do you do?

What do you do when you have no plans for the future?
When there is nothing you want in life.
There is no where you really want to go.
No city that you want to live in.
No job you are dying to have.

What do you do when you feel ill prepared for the world?
Not that you can’t take care of yourself, or pay your bills
but you don’t feel like you fit in with your coworkers.
You don’t really like the bar scene
you’re finding it harder to meet new people.
And therefore make new friends.

What do you do when there is nothing you want?
other than material things
and you don’t really want them
because you forget about them in a week.

What do you do when you feel smothered, stifled, lacking a proper outlet for your feelings?
Not wanting to be a bother to your friends
Or a burden. Or to impose.

You stagnate. You become apathetic. You feel trapped.
Every little thing feels like a bomb dropping.
You are looking for an excuse, any reason, to just pick up and run.

And yet you don’t want to.
Is it fear?
Of the unknown? Of success? Of life?
Of leaving your family?
Being forgotten?

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loyalty

i have often been in discussions about loyalty. what is loyalty, really?

as defined by dictionary.com

loyalty –noun, plural -ties.

1. the state or quality of being loyal;  faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader,cause, etc.
3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

way to go dictionary.com, defining the term while using the root word. *slow clap*

so, let’s define loyal then:
loyal – adjective

1. faithful to one’s sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.
2. faithful to one’s oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.
3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person  or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

k, then. that helps a helluva lot more. my main topic of discussion is definition number 3’s example: loyalty to one’s friends.

see, where my big issue on loyalty is: (please feel free to imagine me being melodramaticly loud here)
why the hell are you being a loyal friend to someone who is a terrible human being?!

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happy?

a good question to ask yourself is: are you happy?

it’s a question we all have asked ourselves at one point in our lives. i know what whenever anyone asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, after i stopped saying a singer or an actress, i’d just simply say: happy. i want to do whatever it is that will make me happy.

i like to think that i am, sometimes i’m not sure though.

am i content with how my life is right now? no.

are there things i would like to change? yes

so i would guess that means i am not happy in general.

do i have periods of time where i am happy? oh,hells yeah!

i’m okay with my life when i don’t really think about it. it’s just when i start wondering what it is i would like to do to earn money that i get a lil antsy. or when i’m trying to decide if i want to stay here in my town. i get anxious, i get….itch. i get the need to go to new places, see new sights, experience new things. then i realize, i don’t have the income for that. at least, not yet anyway.

then i think about things that do make me happy.

reading a great book, watching a movie that touches me in some way, listening to music that puts me in a great mood.  spending time with my friends or my boyfriend. completing a project i’ve worked on. so many little things.

i always thought it was the little things that make you happy. if you can find joy in finding raspberries on sale or a compliment from a stranger your life is going just fine.

i think that instead of happy, i want contentment  with moments or joy and exhilaration. it has seemed to me that it is not possible to be happy all the time. there will be times that you are sad or upset or life is just not going your way. if you can be content with how your life is playing out, with its ups and it’s downs, then you are ahead of the game.

as always, it seems that it is time to make some changes.

here is a handy dandy lil flow chart just in case you are asking yourself that question right now.

well, are you? brought to you by my stumble.

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thinking

i’ve spent a lot of tonight reading a site called “makes me think.”

it has, it really has.

so far tonight i’ve thought of a day in college when my friend called me (in the middle of class) and i answered because we were working on our own. i’m so glad i did, because she was she cutting and talking about slitting her wrists. i was the person she called when she was feeling at her lowest. the call cut out after a few minutes and i freaked out. the only thing i could think to do was call the cops, i didn’t know her dorm building or number and she was at a school so far away.

i’m so happy that today she isn’t upset with me for calling the cops and that she’s there to talk and hang out with.

it’s made me remember the couple who stopped for a girl standing on the side of the road with her car upside down on an incline, who sat and waited with me until the ambulance arrived because i was by myself.

it’s reminded me of my friend jessie who died 12 years ago, even though she’s been on my mind for weeks. i even saw her little brother a few weeks ago. he had no idea who i was! but i still said hello.

it’s reminded me how lucky i really am, i may be unemployed and have no idea what i want to do with my life but i know that my options are limitless.

all i need is to decide what i want to do!

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ghosts

yesterday i woke up with one thought in my head, a memory of a friend. she told me once:

the images you see on the back if your eyelids will show you how you will die.

yeah, lovely thought to wake up to, right? except it didn’t bother me at all. i haven’t really thought about her too much lately. and never about this, at least not since January of 2000.

the really weird thing? she died a few weeks after she told me this. she also never told me what it was she saw. i still wonder if it was the car that hit her.

we were 14, it’s hard to lose a friend when you’re that young.

to be honest i don’t know why i thought of that yesterday. but immediately after i did, i closed my eyes and saw

stars.

just lil twinkly lights everywhere. a lil bit anticlimactic, don’tcha think?

 

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pick two

well, i stumbled upon this image the other day and felt like sharing.

sadly, it's true.

it seems to be true in most cases. then again*shrugs* i’d like to think i embody all three, but if it is you can only be two, i wonder which two i am?

my good friend and i have actually had a conversation similar to this. if you had to choose which two you would like to have in a significant other, which two would it be?

tough choice, no?

do you admit to being shallow and say good looks have to be one? or is emotional stability most important? or intelligence? *shakes head* wouldn’t the ideal person have all three?

for me, any guy i’m interested in has to be attractive (to me), intelligent and be confident in who he is and where he stands with me (is this emotionally stable?). i have quite a few guy friends and the thing is… i happen to flirt with everyone.

my thought on this is that all human interaction, when you get right down to it, is flirting. it’s just what we do. everyone loves a social butterfly, the person who is congenial, smiley, and seems genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say. isn’t this essentially an indiscriminate flirt?

you could argue this point, then again no one is really reading this so no one will. i’ll have to bring it up again with my friend and see if her choices have changed or not.

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life

i stumbled across this image the other day. a list of things that will help you live your life to it’s fullest.

i’m going to start this right now!

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