Tag Archives: faults

musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.


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jobless for 9 weeks now and bored for 7 of them. what has the 7 weeks of boredom wrought?


around the middle especially. this is bothering me more than i can even put into words. other than:

i feel fat.

(i know i’m not fat, i just don’t like this squishiness i’ve accumulated)

see, i’ve never worked out or gone to the gym or really done anything that would help tone me. i apparently have sensible eating habits and a good metabolism, thus far anyways…

since i have been out of work i have spent entirely too much time just sitting. at least at work i was sitting but i did not have access to foods other than what i brought with me. so my weight stayed around the 125 mark. now, i’m up at 132, which is what i weighed in high school, but i think some of it has changed to squish vs the muscle i had (no clue where it came from).


i need to fix this. i do not like feeling fat and at this point all my friends have access to a gym and are working out.

and me? i don’t.

i should get back into running again, that is something i could do. ‘cept i accidentally washed the iPod i used for running, an iPod mini.

yeah, talented right?

ok, ok, the main issue is i got bit by a dog the last time i went running in my neighborhood, which makes me dread running around town for the small likelihood that it would happen again.

i should just get over that. easier said then done though.

ugh. i have got to get out of this rut!

i want to look young and be hot forever. the squish is the opposite of that. *sigh*


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Dictionary.com defines the word impose as:
im⋅pose [im-pohz] verb, -posed, -pos⋅ing.–verb (used with object)oh the impasse

1. to lay on or set as something to be borne, endured, obeyed, fulfilled, paid, etc.: to impose taxes.
2. to put or set by or as if by authority: to impose one’s personal preference on others.
3. to obtrude or thrust (oneself, one’s company, etc.) upon others.

well, there are 5 other definitions beyond that, but with number 3 we have a winner

i always feel that i am imposing on people. i don’t have the slightest idea where i got this from but it’s a bugger to get rid of. i am so unbelievably shy when with a group of people i don’t know or even just one person. in group situations i cling to the one person i know as if they’ll save me from drowning or making a fool of myself.

talk about imposing?!

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