Category Archives: musings

musings from new year’s day

I have often wondered if other people are like me. Does what people say to them effect them as it seems to do to me? Sure, with over 7 billion people in the world the odds of what you’re thinking/feeling being “unique” are nil. Any thought I have, any experience is bound to have happened/occurred to someone else.

the way it is unique would be the order these things happen in your life. No one can have the exact same life as you, it’s unscripted. No two families are exactly the same. No two lives are identical.

In my opinion we are all the product of our experiences. Yes, we have a basic blueprint from genetics, but how you’ve lived your life and the choices you’ve made are who you are today.

I can’t believe I would be exactly who I am if my family had stayed in Minnesota. I would not know any of the people I am friends with now. And I think I would have made so many other decisions in my life.

I would have greater ties with my extended family for one. I can’t even imagine who I’d be.

I’m rambling.

The entire reason I even mention this, is that I’ve realized that no matter the praise or compliments I receive, the moment I get a criticism any good feeling is washed away to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. That no matter how I try, I will never be good enough.

It’s disheartening. It makes me not want to try,  to stay here in my tiny insular town where I hate it. Where I can’t seem to do anything right so what’s the point of moving to a larger city?

All this, because criticism floods my thoughts with its brackish energy, drowning the warmth of praise in polluted waves. I run the thoughts on endless loop, and I don’t stop thinking them until I’m distracted by an outer source.

If anyone even spent the time to read my thoughts, bless you. I just needed to write this down, put it out there. To get it out of my head. No one likes to feel as if they’re alone.


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what do you do?

What do you do when you have no plans for the future?
When there is nothing you want in life.
There is no where you really want to go.
No city that you want to live in.
No job you are dying to have.

What do you do when you feel ill prepared for the world?
Not that you can’t take care of yourself, or pay your bills
but you don’t feel like you fit in with your coworkers.
You don’t really like the bar scene
you’re finding it harder to meet new people.
And therefore make new friends.

What do you do when there is nothing you want?
other than material things
and you don’t really want them
because you forget about them in a week.

What do you do when you feel smothered, stifled, lacking a proper outlet for your feelings?
Not wanting to be a bother to your friends
Or a burden. Or to impose.

You stagnate. You become apathetic. You feel trapped.
Every little thing feels like a bomb dropping.
You are looking for an excuse, any reason, to just pick up and run.

And yet you don’t want to.
Is it fear?
Of the unknown? Of success? Of life?
Of leaving your family?
Being forgotten?

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i have often been in discussions about loyalty. what is loyalty, really?

as defined by

loyalty –noun, plural -ties.

1. the state or quality of being loyal;  faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader,cause, etc.
3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

way to go, defining the term while using the root word. *slow clap*

so, let’s define loyal then:
loyal – adjective

1. faithful to one’s sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.
2. faithful to one’s oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.
3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person  or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

k, then. that helps a helluva lot more. my main topic of discussion is definition number 3’s example: loyalty to one’s friends.

see, where my big issue on loyalty is: (please feel free to imagine me being melodramaticly loud here)
why the hell are you being a loyal friend to someone who is a terrible human being?!

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i’ve had a lot of time to sit and think lately. i’ve been working to figure out what it is i want to actually do with my life. this holding pattern i’m in right now, with my unemployment and tiny lil part time job, is not doing anything to make me feel like a success at life.

one of the reasons i may not be moving forward in my life is that i am afraid to succeed.

or maybe i’m afraid to fail.

i’m beginning to believe it’s one or both. i feel like i’ve been waiting for something, to blatantly show me, “hey, this is what you’re supposed to be doing.” i don’t think that’s what normally happens though.

I’m not feeling adult anymore. sure, i pay for everything myself, other then rent, i can’t afford that at this point. *sigh* i’m living at home.

yeah, that makes me feel just a bit like a failure.

i’ve had several interviews and each one they went with someone else. my guess is they have “more experience” in the fields. of course they have! i’ve only been graduated for 3 years now and over 2 of those years i was in a different field then i majored in.

the entire feeling like a failure thing….it makes me want to make some very bad decisions. luckily for me i don’t follow through with those thoughts. but sometimes. i really, really want to.

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the denver trip was fabulous, in so many ways. a good friend and i got up early (for us) and drove over to denver, it’s about a 3-4 hour trip through over the rocky mountains. the trip over was uneventful, smooth driving. though i do always speed, i seem to have this inability to drive slowly. i really gotta work on that as it’s gained me several speeding tickets in the last year…

back to the trip. we picked our other friend at her apartment in denver and we headed out to lunch at the cherry creek mall. noodles and co. is a really great restaurant. i wasn’t adventurous sadly, so i didn’t go for the things i thought i might like and i went for the tried and true, i knew they couldn’t eff it up macaroni and cheese. i really am a kid at heart.

it was basically a shopping day for us, i dragged my friends to lucy, this great sports apparel company that i discovered in seattle last january. i love them. their clothes are comfortable, they do what they say they will and you look fabulous while at the gym working out. i bought them when i was running and they are great for yoga as well. i prefer the crops cause i get hot when i’m working out. though their pants would be great if you’re an outdoor runner in a cooler clime.

hit up the actual mall down the street. drooled  over the prada, jimmy choos and other shoes. i really am a shoe whore who’s reformed. mainly i don’t have the money for the shoes i want…. same thing though right?

we hit up diesel, got me a fab pair of jeans. dark wash, exactly what i was looking for. if more then i planned to spend on a single pair. the vans store, cause i wanted a fun pair of vans for work, they’re a uniform requirement. we basically just wandered around the mall.

it bugs me a lil bit that my body type is not easy to dress. i mean, i’m not a big person at all, i’m quite small in fact. only under 5’4″ and 130. but damn. i am a curvy thing, i have hips and i have a bust. definitely not gonna fit into most dresses in on area or another. i don’t like to have to tailor EVERYTHING so it fits. *sigh*

sorry. i’ll stop complaining. but it really is annoying.

the entire purpose of this post was to talk about our 3+ hour detour on the way home. there was a truck that had rolled carrying hazardous materials closing the interstate we were taking home. we ended up having to take the old road over the mountains. in order to get to that exit we sat for 90 minutes and only went a ONE mile….i am not used to that kind of traffic at all. then when we finally got to the exit it took us another 90 minutes to go over loveland pass, our average speed was 15mph. yeah, epic right?

the saving grace was “wizard people, dear reader” by brad neely. it’s an unauthorized retelling of harry potter and the sorcerers stone (the movie). it had us laughing all the way down loveland pass. i highly suggest checking it out. i really need to listen to it while i watch the movie (which is how you’re sposed to do it).

basically we had left denver at 6:00 and we got back into town at 12:30. it was crazy. a trip that should have taken us 3.5 hours that took much, much longer. all around, it was worth it though. yes, yes it was.

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a good question to ask yourself is: are you happy?

it’s a question we all have asked ourselves at one point in our lives. i know what whenever anyone asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, after i stopped saying a singer or an actress, i’d just simply say: happy. i want to do whatever it is that will make me happy.

i like to think that i am, sometimes i’m not sure though.

am i content with how my life is right now? no.

are there things i would like to change? yes

so i would guess that means i am not happy in general.

do i have periods of time where i am happy? oh,hells yeah!

i’m okay with my life when i don’t really think about it. it’s just when i start wondering what it is i would like to do to earn money that i get a lil antsy. or when i’m trying to decide if i want to stay here in my town. i get anxious, i get….itch. i get the need to go to new places, see new sights, experience new things. then i realize, i don’t have the income for that. at least, not yet anyway.

then i think about things that do make me happy.

reading a great book, watching a movie that touches me in some way, listening to music that puts me in a great mood.  spending time with my friends or my boyfriend. completing a project i’ve worked on. so many little things.

i always thought it was the little things that make you happy. if you can find joy in finding raspberries on sale or a compliment from a stranger your life is going just fine.

i think that instead of happy, i want contentment  with moments or joy and exhilaration. it has seemed to me that it is not possible to be happy all the time. there will be times that you are sad or upset or life is just not going your way. if you can be content with how your life is playing out, with its ups and it’s downs, then you are ahead of the game.

as always, it seems that it is time to make some changes.

here is a handy dandy lil flow chart just in case you are asking yourself that question right now.

well, are you? brought to you by my stumble.

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so i mentioned in my last post that i joined a gym, it’s a local one not a chain.  it’s only 3 blocks away, so i have no excuse not to go. it’s a full service gym, they have everything you need from shampoo and towels to deodorant and hairspray. hell, i could go before i went to work and i would only need my work clothes, it would just be the getting up earlier that would be hard. i’m not an early bird, that’s for sure.

you may be wondering how i, an unemployed person, can afford a gym membership. well, i got my tax return and it was a pretty nice chunk of change! enough to pay for a year’s membership and to buy me a MacBook Pro (only a 13″, but i love it) that i’m writing this on right now.

in squish i discussed how i’m not feeling so svelte at the moment, which really bothers me. the gym is gonna get me back to where i’d like to be, several inches smaller! i’ve been going at least 3 times a week. i don’t have a set workout schedule or even a routine quite yet. i’m meeting with a personal trainer next week to set up a workout routine and see what my goals are going to be. i’m really excited!

no doubt i’ll be posting more about that later. *grins*

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yeah, so i realized i hadn’t posted anything new here for quite some time.

oops….my bad!

I’ve been a lil bit sidetracked. the things that have been distracting me?

a: a boyfriend
b: part time jobs

the boyfriend:  of all the times i end up with one….it happens to be when i’m unemployed. i mean really? i’ve been single for over 2 years and now, when i have nothing really going for me i’m no longer single? i can find the humor in this. *grins* i’ve been spending a lot of time with him. with valentine’s day last week, he made me a great steampunk necklace. i’m getting all sorts of compliments on it, he’s really proud of himself. i’ll post about it later.

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what were you thinking?this image sums up life in general.

it is what it is.

what is your life to you?

to me, it’s a series of experiences that have, thus far, been  good. shure, i’ve had the bad things: friends dying, car accidents, break ups. have i let them keep me down? not really. it helps me keep perspective. how can you really know when something is good, if you’ve never experienced the low? for true joy you have to experience heartache and pain.

to be fair, some highs: my nephew, traveling, applause, etc.

life is a high just as much as it’s a low.

make a choice.

it is what it is. *shrugs*

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i’ve spent a lot of tonight reading a site called “makes me think.”

it has, it really has.

so far tonight i’ve thought of a day in college when my friend called me (in the middle of class) and i answered because we were working on our own. i’m so glad i did, because she was she cutting and talking about slitting her wrists. i was the person she called when she was feeling at her lowest. the call cut out after a few minutes and i freaked out. the only thing i could think to do was call the cops, i didn’t know her dorm building or number and she was at a school so far away.

i’m so happy that today she isn’t upset with me for calling the cops and that she’s there to talk and hang out with.

it’s made me remember the couple who stopped for a girl standing on the side of the road with her car upside down on an incline, who sat and waited with me until the ambulance arrived because i was by myself.

it’s reminded me of my friend jessie who died 12 years ago, even though she’s been on my mind for weeks. i even saw her little brother a few weeks ago. he had no idea who i was! but i still said hello.

it’s reminded me how lucky i really am, i may be unemployed and have no idea what i want to do with my life but i know that my options are limitless.

all i need is to decide what i want to do!

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